Remembering

Joseph Nicholas Weninger was my grandpa. My mom's dad. And the last few days we've been mourning his death and celebrating his life.

It's been so good to talk with my family about things we remember. I remember my grandpa and his overalls, and how he always had Tootsie Rolls for the grandkids. I remember sitting on his lap, and he'd hold my hands and clap them together, then he'd force my hands to miss, and he'd ask me, "Why'd you miss?" He loved to crack jokes and tease us, and I loved how he made Grandma laugh.

Grandpa was a fantastic game player. He played Cribbage all the time with my uncles. I've played Rummikub with him many, many times, and he had moves that were far beyond me. More than once he would take his first turn and lay out all of his tiles in one move, sometimes before I even had a turn! I loved playing Rummy Royale at the kitchen table. We're so competitive when we play cards, but we all have fun no matter how we're doing.

When I was a junior in high school, I got the part of Eliza Doolittle in Pygmalion. Grandma and Grandpa came to see one of the performances. I know they probably couldn't hear it very well, and they might not have really understood what was going on, but the fact that they drove more than an hour just to see my play meant so much to me.

Grandpa always drank water out of a jar with a handle. He loved to do crossword puzzles, and he loved to fish. I was amazed at some of the pictures I saw, because he caught some gigantic fish! He also had a saying: "It's better than ice cream!" It didn't matter what food was in question, or that I was a picky eater. It was always "better than ice cream."

I loved watching Grandma and Grandpa together. They were so sweet to each other. They raised 12 children together and had a long life together. They loved each other so much, even after more than 60 years of being married. They took care of each other. Grandpa constantly referred to Grandma as his bride, and I loved watching the little things they did for each other.

My grandpa was in the army in WW2. He served for two years, and I was so proud that his funeral reflected that. He was a dashing figure in his uniform. There's a lot of politics surrounding the army today, and people have really strong opinions about where our troops are and what they're fighting for. I don't always know how I feel about that, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am so proud and thankful that Grandpa served.

I'm going to really miss Grandpa. He was a wonderful man, and he gave me a wonderful family that I love very much.

Periodic Update

November has been a crazy month. It's been a time of adjusting my life around working full-time. I'm still working out the kinks of not having much down time during the week, but having longer weekends definitely helps.

I love my job. I was really nervous the first week, a little nervous the second week, and not nervous at all last week. I'm really comfortable using the dental software (I'm a receptionist at a dental office), and my comfort level at being on the phone has gone way up. I really like my coworkers, and I'm getting into the groove of things.

Right now I'm visiting my parents for the long weekend. I have to work the day after Thanksgiving, so I can't travel to be with family for the actual holiday. I decided to make the most of my Friday off and spend take this weekend as my holiday visit. Christmas will be spent with my dad's family, and I'm really excited about that.

Time is a funny thing. I felt like I had too much time, that I didn't use my time well when I didn't have a job. Now that I'm working full time, I never seem to have enough time during the week. I don't journal as much, I clearly haven't been blogging as much, and I have a hard time finding time and energy to get in some exercise during the week. Even though I have less time for myself, I feel happier. Getting a job didn't magically solve all my problems, and I still need to be on a tight budget, but I don't have to let those things determine the state of my inner peace. I still have to trust every day that God will provide for my needs, and I still need to make it a priority to spend some time focused on God every day.

I like my life right now. For the most part, I like who I am, or at least who I'm becoming. I like working hard, paying my bills, and making responsible, grown up decisions. It's not such a bad phase of life to be in. :)

Some thoughts on Christianity using Harry Potter Similies

Describing Christianity using Harry Potter? Bear with me, because if you've read Harry Potter, what I'm about to say will totally make sense. I was reading some Harry Potter, and all of a sudden these comparisons popped into my head.

Harry was 11 years old when he found out about magic. When he entered into Diagon Alley/the wizarding world for the first time, he was amazed. He was constantly in awe of things that most wizards took for granted. His friend Ron grew up in a wizard house, and magic was old hat for him. Ron knew how daily life works in the magic world. What Harry saw as amazing, Ron just took for granted as business as usual. People who have just become Christians are like Harry. God is new to them, and they're often super excited about church and the Bible and God in general. People who grew up in a Christian home, or who have been saved for years tend to lose that initial spark. They take a lot for granted. I take for granted all the Bible verses I learned as a kid. Because I grew up in the church, I have lots of general Bible knowledge that new Christians don't know yet.

Christians can be like Harry Potter in another way. Wizards who grew up in the wizarding world constantly stand out like a sore thumb in the muggle/nonmagical world. They don't know how to dress, they don't know how muggle money works, and things like electricity and telephones are complete mysteries. Once muggle born wizards (wizards with non-magical parents) are in the wizarding world for awhile, they can move easily between worlds. There are people who are so immersed in Christian culture, who are so separate from the world, that they stick out. They can't navigate in the secular world, and sometimes they look like freaks. I've known people like this, and as a kid I was terrified of being one of those outsiders. New Christians can have the opposite problem, where they don't understand the Christianese lingo and have not yet completely shed all of their sinful ways.

We hear all the time that we are to be IN the world, but not OF the world. It's a tough balance. We don't want to be indistinguishable from people who are not Christians, but we don't want to be so different as to be unapproachable. I haven't figured out where I draw the line for myself. It would almost be easier to just seclude myself from all media and limit my social interactions with non-Christians. Maybe some people are called to a life that strict, but I know I'm not. I think too many Christians think they've figured out the one-size-fits-all solution to this. I don't think there is such a solution. I think we need to use common sense, listen to Christians we trust, pray about it, and listen to your own convictions. I have a hard time not judging people that I think are unnecessarily stricter than I am, or who are less strict than I am. I tend to want people to be just like me, but that's wrong. Everyone is different, and I think it's really important that we try to respect people's choices about things on which the Bible is not specific.

God's Goodness

God is good. Today I got offered a job that I really wanted, and after 5+ months of unemployment it feels so amazing. It's really easy to say that God is good after I get news like this. So I emailed my friends and family about the job, I told them that God is good, and I prayed and thanked God.

As I was praying, I realized that God is always good. I prayed, "God, you are so good. Thank you so much for this job. But you would be good even if I hadn't gotten it." God is good no matter what our circumstances are. It's easier for me to believe in his goodness when I feel good, when I get good news. It's a lot harder for me to see God's goodness when I'm feeling depressed, lonely, and hopeless. God isn't fickle. He doesn't choose to be good some times and other times choose not to be. Yes, his goodness runs alongside his justice and mercy, so it's hard to understand sometimes why bad things happen in life, but he is still good.

God is good. God is love. And he will always be those things no matter what your life looks like.

Two Questions

Do you see me? Do you like what you see?

Someone told me today that those are two questions we keep asking people throughout our lives. I definitely agree. From the kid who constantly yells, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" to the teenager trying on outfits who asks, "How do I look?" to the employee who works really hard on a presentation that the boss will see.

We want to matter. We want people to like us, to treat us as if we have worth. We want people to appreciate who we are.

Feeling invisible is a pretty awful thing. Just as awful is having people notice you, but only because they have negative things to say about you. That's why the silent treatment and getting bullied feel awful. It's terrible to not have people care how you're feeling. "How's it going?" has become just another way to say "Hello." That really bothers me. So much so that I make a concentrated effort not to use that phrase unless I want a real answer and am prepared to really listen. There have been numerous times in my life when I was feeling horrible inside, and as people passed me by, my answer was always, "I'm fine" because I knew they didn't want a real answer.

Let's try to pay some attention to the people around us. Practice your listening skills. Or maybe it's your turn to be heard. Open up to someone you trust about how you're really doing. Find someone who sees you, who appreciates who you are and loves you for it. I read today that we don't love people for how we feel about them; we love them for how they make us feel about ourselves. I love to be around people who tell me I'm worth something, who show it by their actions. I think if we all tried to be more aware of the people around us and how they're feeling, there would be fewer people hurting in our homes, in the church, in our schools, in the world.

When You Can't Forget the Bad

How do you acknowledge life-changing events? If they're good, it's great to celebrate. We celebrate birthdays every year. We celebrate marriage anniversaries. We enjoy annual things, like Christmas, and the last day of school (or first, if you're so inclined). Holidays can be great.

So what do you do when the anniversary of something bad comes up? People acknowledge anniversaries of the death of loved ones in different ways. For something like that, I have spent time by myself in quiet reflection. There have also been times when I am with people and we share memories of the people we love. Remembering those people is important.

I am, however, upon a week of bad memories for which there is no precedent on handling. Life-changing bad memories. I've taken time to think about all the good changes that have happened since then, to appreciate the good things in my life right now. But it still hurts. I don't just forget the way people treated me, spoke to me, how I felt, what happened. I still feel those things when I think about it.

The thing is, I don't want to forget. Not really. It's a significant time in my life. For better or for worse, it's shaped who I am.

I just wish it didn't hurt or make me doubt myself.

Strange Prayers

I have a mouse loose in my apartment. It's the second time I've have a mouse show up, although the first time it either just went away or died somewhere else, because it never got caught in my glue traps. About two weeks ago I did a more thorough than usual cleaning of my apartment, and I threw out the glue traps I had been provided. Of course as soon as I got rid of them I get a mouse. Sigh.

I bought some basic, old school mouse traps today (the nicer ones are ridiculously expensive), and I set all four of them up with peanut butter. I was pretty sure there was a mouse in my apartment, because late at night I would see a shadow move out of the corner of my eye. Tonight I have seen the mouse for sure run from under the oven to my shoe closet to under my fridge and back. I think right now it ran into my bathroom. I have watched it run towards one of the mousetraps and then veer away at the last second. Grrrr.

And so I find myself praying that the mouse would take the bait and get caught in one of my traps. I find it kind of odd that I'm praying for the death of a creature that God created. Of course, I remind God that this is my house and I did not invite a mouse to live here.

Right now I have one light on, right next to my bed. The mouse tried to make a break for it from under the fridge twice, but as soon as I waved my arm it got scared and ran back. I also threw a small lotion bottle at it, and I have a highlighter in my lap, ready to throw upon another sighting.

I'm not super bothered by a mouse in my apartment. Sure, I wish it wasn't here because I only have a studio apartment so any mouse is pretty close to where I sleep, but I'm assuming it will stay pretty close to the kitchen area. I'm hoping, anyway.

Usually my prayers revolve around asking God to let my life go in a certain direction, or just praying for a closer relationship with God. I certainly pray for my unsaved friends, and I pray for the needs of my family, like a job for my sister. So it feels kind of weird to pray about a mouse. Good thing I pray to a God who cares about me, who loves me, who listens to my prayers, even when it's just about a mouse.

Yes, I miss my cat a lot right now. In addition to being a constant companion and a super friendly cat, he definitely earned his keep when it came to mouse control.

Night Sounds

I love having my window open at night. In addition to having my apartment cool off, I love the night sounds that come through.

I can tell the different types of vehicles that go by just from the sound. I can tell when a fire truck is headed somewhere, and I can tell when one whooshes past without its sirens on. I love the sound after it has rained, because the car tires make a different sound.

I love hearing a train rumble by, or hearing the church bells toll at the hour. Right now I can tell when someone is walking across the yard because the leaves are crunchy.

I love that I can learn so much by using just one of my senses. If only I was better at listening in other situations...:)

Forgiveness and Consequences

Last night I read the story of David and Bathsheba (side note: spell check knows I spelled Bathsheba correctly, surprise surprise!). I've heard so many different sermons highlighting different aspects of that story. There really are so many things we can learn from this part of David's story.

When I read it this time, I saw something I had overlooked before. David and Bathsheba have sinned together, and David has sinned additionally by having Bathsheba's husband killed. Their son is born, and then Nathan confronts David about David's sin. David repents, and Nathan says that God forgives David.

OK. This is huge. David fasts and prays while his son is sick. He begs God to spare his son. But the baby dies. And as soon as this happens, David gets up, washes himself, puts on clean clothes, and goes and worships God. Woah. How often do we get really angry at God when tragedy happens in our lives? I've done it a lot. It sounds like David was not bitter at all. I think he realized the consequence of his sin, and he didn't hold it against God.

The other thing is that although God forgave David completely, that didn't remove the consequence. That point is made a lot, that God's forgiveness doesn't take away consequences. We hear it all the time. But I think it's also really important to note that God did not punish David continually; God didn't hold David's sin against him later. David and Bathsheba have another son. You might have heard of him--Solomon? And it says that God loved Solomon. God doesn't withhold love after we sin. He doesn't sit up in heaven, waiting to blast us for that sin we did three years ago. That's majorly comforting to me, to see so clearly in the Bible (the Old Testament, to boot!) about God's forgiveness, redemption, and restoration.

On Feeling Entitled

I feel entitled to a wonderful fall. I grew up in WI, and I live in MN now (that's Wisconsin and Minnesota, in case you're not up to date on your state abbreviations). Upper midwest, four distinct seasons. Tons of snow in the winter, hot days in the summer, cool wet days in the spring, and cool, crisp days in fall.

Except I am not getting my coveted cool, crisp days of fall. It's 82 degrees right now, and we're supposed to hit a record today. My apartment feels nice and cool because I've been sleeping with my window open and closing it before it warms up in the morning. I walked outside to run to the post office and library (places I go at least twice a week), and it was so disappointing to feel how hot it was outside. I drove by some gorgeous trees that I want to photograph, that I've actually been wanting to capture since I saw them last fall, but I just don't have the energy to go back there and take photos because it's so warm. Yes, it feels much cooler than it did in July or August because it's way less humid, but it's still too warm for me.

Why do I feel so entitled to my version of a perfect fall? Is it realistic? Why do I think it's not fair if it's warmer than usual? Sigh. I don't like being really crabby about the weather, especially when so many of my friends are thrilled about the weather, according to their Facebook status updates. I think I need to suck it up and do my best to enjoy the color, even if I feel too warm doing it.

But I still can't see myself going to an apple orchard tomorrow when it's 80 degrees. Gotta draw the line somewhere, hm? :)